Organizers of this year’s COP 28 Climate Conference planned it with great care. PGCC got its hands on a transcript from one of the planning meetings…
Planner 1: “Where should we hold this year’s climate conference?”
Planner 2: “It ought to be someplace that takes climate change seriously…how about United Arab Emirates.”
Planner 1: “The country in the desert? Do they have a lot of solar panels?”
Planner 2: “I’m looking at the chart from Our World in Data…not really. All the UAE’s energy comes from oil, coal and gas.”
Planner 1: “PERFECT. Holding it in the desert, while being cooled by fossil fuels, will remind everyone that fossil fuels are EVIL. BOOK IT.”
Planner 2: “For transport I was thinking that everyone should arrive on camels.”
Planner 1: “Are you NUTS? We’re going to have 80,000 people. We can’t have John Kerry, Kamala Harris and King Charles stepping in camel poop.”
Planner 2: “Well Kerry is the US Climate Czar—he’s not going to FLY in…is he?
Planner 1: “Why not? He did last year...on a private jet. And the year before that. And the year before that.”
Planner 2: “GREAT. Have them fly. That will remind everyone we need to convert our jets to battery power. CALL CHINA—TELL THEM WE’RE GOING TO HAVE HUNDREDS OF PRIVATE JETS—HAVE CHINA SEND MORE BATTERIES.”
Planner 1: “Speaking of China, are we inviting them? China is the world’s biggest emitter of greenhouse gases.”
Planner 2: “Well…they’ll be invited…but they won’t have to do anything…except shake hands.”
Planner 1: “Why”
Planner 2: “Well, China needs energy security.”
Planner 1: “Well, doesn’t everybody.”
Planner 2: “No. The United States has its national debt and all the other countries have unicorn farts. Everyone will be fine.”
Planner 1: “Who’s going to be president of this climate conference?”
Planner 2: “It ought to be someone we can trust.”
Planner 1: “What about Sultan Al Jaber?
Planner 2: “You mean the Minister of Industry and Advanced Technology of the UAE?”
Planner 1: “Yeah—he’s a smart guy—he helps his country produce 4 million barrels of oil per day.”
Planner 2: “But didn’t he just give a speech where he said there was no science to support a phaseout of fossil fuels, and that phasing fossil fuels out would send everyone back to caves?”
Planner 1: “Yeah. I told you he was a smart guy.”
Too bad these planners don’t work for Saturday Night Live—the show could use them.
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